More marriages break up because of money than any other reason. Not infidelity, not sexual incompatibility, not looks, not tastes. Those too, yes, but money is the one right on top of the list. Money is the root of most marital discords or, to be more precise, a couple’s differing attitudes to money.
On the 10th of September, there was a snippet relating to this in the New York Times. Most readers would have missed it what with all that brouhaha over the LHC that day. However, if one were to think about it practically, it makes a lot of sense. Divorce lawyers who see so much of it up close will tell you that most divorce cases are about fights over money. Now why is money or the differing attitudes to money the No.1 home-wrecker?
Money vs. Attitude towards Money
In most marriages, it usually isn’t about the actual money over which you brawl. It’s about your attitudes to money. This doesn’t mean that you need to be exactly like your partner – just that your attitudes to money need to be compatible. One partner could see money as the be-all and end-all of everything while the other could see it as merely the means to an end. Now if that end means spending everything you have on a whim, the tension between the two is bound to build up.
Money is not a bad word
Money is such an important part of any relationship. The trouble is most of us are brought up not to mention it. So what passes for good manners could just be detrimental to addressing one of the most important concerns in a marriage. The sooner we realise that it isn’t money that is the root of all evil but the love of money that is, the better for all of us.
Money and Love are not mutually exclusive
The general perception is, it has to be one or the other. So you marry for love or you marry for money. However, when love flies out that window or door, it could well be because you didn’t have the practical sense to talk about money and see what both thought about it.
Money: A comfort zone or a square of tension?
When the attitudes to money are compatible, any financial problem can be worked out from the same side, not from opposite sides. The trouble with being incompatible where the attitude to money is concerned is that very often couples, when first faced with the differences, don’t really talk about it. So getting upset over a partner’s attitude to money could mean blowing off steam at something totally unrelated. Again, it’s that innate reluctance to talk about what is the main offender.
Love needs a Foundation
Money makes a good foundation to a marriage. (Religion does too, but couples with the same religious inclination can split over money!) Couples need to be different for the spark to be kept alive, yes. However, they can set future goals when both view money in a similar light. It just makes it easier for love to grow and not get strangled somewhere in all that mire of unspoken monetary tensions.
Cash Compatibility
If you’re cash-compatible, the chances of you being in for a long innings are pretty good. And maybe all the moonlight and roses will be part of your happy memories for years to come!
The thing is, this isn’t about what’s right and what’s not. Maybe that’s why attitudes to money can be a good starting point. It presupposes no value judgements. All you need to do is to try and see that you choose someone who has the same attitude to money as you do. If you love money to the exclusion of everything else, find out if your partner does too. If you prefer to live on love and fresh air, with just enough to get you through life, find someone who thinks the same. So much of our lives revolve around money: savings, loans, mortgages, credit, investments, salaries. The first flush of love and attraction usually blinds us to the more practical areas of a relationship but when the haze clears up a bit, if you want what you have to last, take a money compatibility test before you walk up that aisle.
